When drama infuses my life to the point where I can't focus to write
When the children demand my attention
When the husband needs me
When the house is falling apart
When the dog decides I need him in my lap
When I still can't find a job
When the finances are spotty
When things fall apart
When I can't control anything
Those are the days when I want to cry, and can't.
Those are the days when even the sunshine seems gray.
Those are the days when it seems like my prayers bounce off the ceiling.
Those are the days when I just can't read.
Those are the days when the well-meaning people's platitudes and advice seem empty and ridiculous.
Those are the days when I want to scream and yell and beat on things.
Those are the days when my bed beckons.
Those are the days when I think of finding my way to the bottoms of bottles.
Those are the days when I wish I could lose myself in mindless TV shows.
On those days, I know I need to know real love, and eternal security, and everlasting hope. Those are the days when I am comforted by the fact that even when my PTSD bites, and my depression threatens to drown, I know my God is with me, holding me, protecting me from myself and my memories and my fears.
On those days are when the Scriptures memorized as a child come back to show light for this dark and sometimes-dangerous path I walk. When I remember that He will NEVER leave me or forsake me, my fear of abandonment is abated. When I remember that He comforts those who mourn, my tears are lessened. When I remember that He suffered every thing that I have suffered, and understands my frame, and knows where I came from, and knew me and loved me before I was born....that is when I am comforted, and the fog begins to lift. When I recognize that His perfect Love is the antidote to my fear, I can lean into Him, and allow myself to feel loved.
Today, I am grateful for one thing from my childhood that continues to be positive, despite all of the other negative things that happened to me. A knowledge of God's Word will always be with me, no matter what else I lose.
Today, while all of my circumstances are hard, I am comforted by the knowledge that my God is GOOD, and that He loves me, and is with me, even in the hard stuff.