Sunday, January 10, 2016


Much of my life has revolved around fear.

Fear of my parents...abuse will do that to you.
Fear of church leaders...when parents are abusive and manipulative, other leaders are often cast in a negative light, and used to manipulate.
Fear of government...they're watching us, they're out to get us....
Fear of minorities...because, stereotypes.
Fear of the's unknown, and the government that is out to get us is likely to collapse and where will we be then?!?
Fear of being found out...see the abuse above...if this is found out, then who knows what will happen?  (see also, fear of the unknown)
Fear of.....EVERYTHING.

This was just my childhood.  I cannot remember a day that was free of fear.  Then I graduated high school and went away to college, and learned that others lived lives that were NOT centered around fear.  There were amazing other love, and happiness, and entertainment.

And I tentatively started trying out some of these new and unknown feelings.

I enjoyed entertainment in college...I actually watched movies.  Not many, but a few.
I played was fun to compete with other schools!
I played ping pong...always a good feeling to compete with the guys between classes, and actually win!
I learned about loving others...I learned to love my friends, and my roommates, and even had a boyfriend or two (but no PDA!!!).

Still, there were signs that the fear was alive and very active.
I was still at the beck and call of my parents.  Every time they reeled me back in, there was an intense fear of losing everything...all of the hard-fought freedoms, the verboten clothing and makeup and music.  I always felt like I was suffocating.
Then there was Jason.
We were dating, and making plans.
My parents were warned about him.  They threatened me.
And then we were engaged.  And they threatened some more.
And we were doing wedding planning, and every time I called, I got off the phone crying.
They *hated* Jason.  And Jason told them to not bother coming to the wedding...two weeks beforehand.
Still, I wanted my parents at my wedding, so we worked out some sort of compromise, and they came.  And we were married.

And then is when I really started realizing how broken I was and how much fear governed everything I did.

1 comment:

  1. I am so very words. This is more about mental health than even kooky religious stuff, right?

    Or if there are no mental health issues, religious stuff sometimes carries a level of deception which is sooooo blinding and so stifling. Takes a lot to get out of it. :(