Some days I just can't handle the pain any more.
- All of the friends who are gone from us here, and are with You...and we're left with the pain. I know, I know...we have the hope of seeing them again, but meanwhile, it hurts.
- The loneliness. Mine. My children.
- The mom-shaped hole. There is this deep pain there that just refuses to go away.
- The dad-shaped hole...the one where he was supposed to step in and protect me from bullies, and he didn't.
- The desire for connection, and then, just as soon as things start progressing that way, people move, or we move, or life happens. It hurts.
- My kids. I know they don't have a clue...I hurt for them. The traumas they have dealt with, the friendships that change because of this military lifestyle. The desire they have to be independent, to grow up. It all hurts this Mama. I miss the ones who aren't here.
- The fear that invades everything...it makes everything hurt, even the good stuff.
Today I want to cry, a lot. The tears are threatening, and I don't know how to let them come. I feel like crying might be cleansing. But it might also overwhelm me even further. So I withdraw further, because I am afraid. I hate living with fear, and trauma, and pain.
The physical pain is always there, too. Muscles that tense up because of remembered traumas, and potential future traumas. Bones that bear the marks of traumas and accidents. A brain that bears the battle scars and reminds me daily. A digestive system in rebellion against the constant stress of being subjected to trauma. An immune system that is overwhelmed with the constant after-shocks of remembered trauma.
Some day...Oh God...some day...I so long to be free of the constant pain. That is the hope I have...that being with You will mean that every scar and wound and disease and manifestation of my trauma will be forever gone. THAT is my hope. That the pain will be gone forever.
That is what keeps me going despite the pain.