Monday, July 20, 2020

Dumping Ground

Right now my brain feels like a dumping ground. 
It is full of trash...and treasures.
I just have to sort out which is which...
...which feels hugely overwhelming at the moment. 

There's grief. 
Not the expected grieving for my mother. 
Nope.  Not a single tear. 
Those were all cried many years ago. 

The grief I am feeling is for the end of an era. 
Twenty-one years identifying with military life. 
Feeling like an outsider for most of those years...
...and suddenly realizing that I'm on the other end of things...
...and that *I* am an expert on military life. 

Then there's the grief of missed things. 
This year has meant that we are missing out on so many things. 
Cousins, and grandkids, and travel, and friends.
Time with my husband, vacation, plans for the future...

Everything feels so big and overwhelming...
and also minute, and unimportant in the grand scheme of things. 

I want to be able to plan. 
I can barely drag myself out of bed each morning. 
I want to have some idea of where, and what, and when...
I'm lost as to why and how. 

There's so much to be done...
Financial decisions.
Jobs to be found. 
Retirement plans to be made. 
Studying and passing exams. 
Children in college to be paid for and organized, and encouraged. 
Children out on their own to be called, and loved at a distance. 

The everyday has to keep happening.
Pet food.  And kitty litter.  And Doggy grooming. 
Children fed.
Medical appointments.
Daily job/work responsibilities. 
Dietary goals.
grooming.  hygiene. clothing. 
Mental health.  For me.  For the children. For the spouse. 
vehicles (all 4 of them).

There's still grief around the losses of the last two and a half years. 
Losses of jobs. 
Losses of people.
Losses of possessions. 
Losses of relationships. 
Loss of progress.
Loss of trust. 
Loss of hope. 

There's so much anger. 
Anger at the people who treated us unjustly. 
Anger at the people who should have cared, but instead blamed. 
Anger at injustice. 
Anger about loss. 

There's fear. 
Fear that I missed out, and will miss out on so much that I want. 
Fear that no one will ever believe us, or trust us, or want us.
Fear of the unknown. 
Fear of more loss. 

I'm tired.  Overwhelmed.  Sad.  Depressed.  Fearful.
I have *almost* lost hope. 

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